Tim Vine Top One Liners Jokes
Machine, Pun Master, Quirky, Fab
Tim Vine is the machinegun of one-liner gags. It’s not surprising he holds the record for the most jokes in one hour, 499. Number one in our list is the gag that won him the best one-liner at the Edinburgh Fringe.
Tim Vine’s Best Jokes
- I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what … Never again.
- I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
- Beware of Alphabet Grenades… if you throw them, it could spell disaster!
- I went to buy a Goldfish, and he said “Do you want an aquarium?” And I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is!
- So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’. He said Hundreds & thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.
- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.
- I met the fella who invented the crossword the other day, can’t remember his name, it was P something T something R.
- Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that.
- When I left home, my mum said: ‘Don’t forget to write.’ I thought: ‘That’s unlikely – it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?’
- This bloke said to me, ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.’ I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books.
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