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101 Short Jokes

Do you fancy a short joke?

The Bit Comedy Collection of Short and Funny Jokes

Here’s our choice of 101 short, funny and quick jokes for all occasions. We scoured the Web and various books looking for the best (well, to our ears) short jokes. What’s collected below is a blend of the vintage and the new, from the Classic Tommy Cooper, the even more classic Bob Hope to the wonderful short jokes of Harry Hill, Eddie Izzard, Tim Vine and Demetri Martin. Not to mention the great Bill Hicks.

If you have a short joke that would cap any of these then please get in touch and if you are looking for the world’s shortest joke have a look here.

Short Jokes 1- 25

Eddie Izzard BitComedy Comedy God and Rainbow LoverSteven Wright - One-Liner GreatnessEmo Philips - One-Liner-Merchant

1.     “I went to a restaurant the other day called ‘Taste of the Raj.’ The waiter hit me with a stick and got me to build a complicated railway system.”
- Harry Hill

2.     “I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.”
- Unknown

3.     “Doctor, Doctor, my arm is broken in three places.”
“Well stay out of those places.”
- Tommy Cooper

4.     “Behind every great man is a woman with a hostage.”
- Jim Kinloch (comedy writer)

5.     “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. And monkey’s do too – if they have a gun.”
- Eddie Izzard (read Eddie Izzard Comedy God)

6.     Police arrested two kids yesterday: one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.
- Tommy Cooper

7.     “‘Employee of the month’ is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”
- Demetri Martin

8.     “I hate my supervisor. Behind her desk it says. ‘You don’t have to be mad to work her, but it helps. ‘Mind you, she’s written it in her own shit.”
- Alan Carr

9.     What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? – A stick.
- Traditional

10. I’ve just come back from this new restaurant, Wong Fritz. It’s a Chinese German fusion. [A BEAT] Now I’m hungry for power.
- Jim Kinloch (based on a traditional premise)

11. An ice cream seller was today found on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police said he topped himself.
- Unknown

12. “Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.”
- George Burns

13. How do you call a prison inmate? – Use a cell phone.
- Unknown

14. “Nelson Mandela, He’s been out of prison for 16 years and hasn’t re-offended. I think he’s going straight. Which shows you, prison works.”
- Ricky Gervais

15. Why do seagulls live near the sea? Because if they lived near the bay, they’d be called bagels.
- Unknown

16. What is small, red and whispers? – A hoarse radish.
- Unknown

17. “On a train, why do I always end up sitting next to the woman who’s eating the individual fruit pie by sucking the filling out through the hole in the middle?”
- Victoria Wood

18. Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
- Mark Twain

19. I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
- Rita Rudner

20. “I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.”
- Lenny Bruce

21. “I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.”
- Steven Wright (read 10 Steven Wright one-liners)

22. “What’s black and white and eats like a horse? – A Zebra.
- Unknown

23. “”A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fuckin’ cross? It’s kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on.”
- Bill Hicks (read Bill Hicks Comedy God)

24. “An overweight guy went to the doctor who advised him to try a keep fit DVD. But the guy said he couldn’t be bothered. “Well” suggested the doctor, “try something that leaves you a little short of breath.” So the buy took up smoking.”
-  Jo Brand

25.  “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
- Les Dawson

Short Jokes: 26 – 50

Emo Philips - One-Liner-MerchantEddie Izzard BitComedy Comedy God and Rainbow LoverSteven Wright - One-Liner Greatness

26. Why are robots never afraid? – Because they have nerves of steel.
- Unknown

27. “I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.”
- Jackie Mason

28. “Today’s a good day for going to a bookstore and ask where the self help section is.”
- Jim Kinloch

29. “I play all my Country and Western music backwards – your lover returns, your dog comes back and you cease to be an alcoholic.”
- Linda Smith

30. What’s Green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
- Unknown

31. Canada: a country so square that even the female impersonators are women.
- Richard Brenner

32. “I’m 63 now. But that’s just 17 Celsius.”
- George Carlin

33. “What’s it with chimpanzees and that middle parting? Stuck in the Twenties, aren’t they?
- Harry Hill

34. Two silkworms had a race – it ended in a tie.
- Unknown

35. “I love the way garages leave black buckets outside for your dead flowers.”
- Jack Dee

36. “I love flying. I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage.”
- Bob Hope

37. “Airline hostesses show you how to use a seat belt in case you haven’t been in a car since 1956.”
- Jerry Seinfeld

38. “I’ve been breastfeeding for two years. I could light the gas ring with my nipples.”
- Jo Brand

39. “Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?”
- Homer Simpson

40. “A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history: with the possible exception of handguns and Tequila.”
- Mitch Ratliffe

41. “We had gay burglars last night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.”
- Robin Williams

42. “My last girlfriend looked like Claudia Schiffer: only shorter and Korean.”
- Max Kauffman

43. “For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.”
- Johnny Carson

44. “I tell you what makes my blood boil – crematoriums.
- Tim Vine

45. Doctor, doctor, I can’t stop singing “The Green Green Grass of Home”
That’s what we doctors call Tom Jones’ Syndrome.
Oh, really? Is it common?
It’s not unusual.

46. “My Dad is Irish and my Mum is Iranian, which basically means we spent most of our family holidays in customs.”
- Patrick Monahan

47. “My daughter wanted some trainers. I said, you’re eleven. Go to  Taiwan and make some.”
- Jeremy Hardy

48. “I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.”
- Steven Wright (read 10 Steven Wright one-liners)

49. “I took my husband to the hospital yesterday to have 17 stitches out – that’ll teach him to buy me a sewing kit for my birthday.”
- Jo Brand

50. How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb? None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
- Unknown

Short Jokes: 51 – 75

Steven Wright - One-Liner GreatnessEmo Philips - One-Liner-MerchantEddie Izzard BitComedy Comedy God and Rainbow Lover

51. How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish.
- Unknown

52. “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.”
- Tim Allen

53. “Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.”
- Rita Rudner

54. “Money can’t buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.”
- Spike Milligan

55. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.
- Unknown

56. “We know the speed of light, but what about the speed of darkness?”?
Peter Cook (Thank you to Neil Steward for correcting the original entry)

57. “the pen is mightier than the sword and considerably easier to write with.”
- Marty Feldman

58. “I always enjoy appearing before a British audience. Even if they don’t feel like laughing, they nod their heads to show they’ve understood.”
- Bob Hope

59. There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done.
- Ronnie Corbett

60. “My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.”
- Emo Philips (read 10 Emo Philips one-liners here)

61. Rehab is for quitters.
- Unknown

62. Always the bridesmaid never the bride, that’s male predators for you.
- Jim Kinloch

63. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence you tried.
- Unknown

64. A shipment of Viagra was hijacked last week. Police are looking for two hardened criminals.
- Unknown

65. What’s got a trunk, four legs and lots of keys? A piano up a tree.
- Unknown

66. “I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I’d go to confession, I’d say, Bless me, Father for I have sinned and you know my lawyer, Mr Cohen.”
- Bill Maher

67. “Waiter there’s a dead beetle in my soup.”
“Yes  sir, they’re not very good swimmers. “
- Unknown

68. “My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.”
- Emo Philips (read 10 Emo Philips one-liners here)

69.  “I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
- Bob Monkhouse

70. “Remember: it takes forty-two muscles to frown and only four to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.”
- Mitch Henderson

71. Why did the Marxist only drink herbal tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
- Unknown

72. “I call my lawyer and say, ‘Can I ask you two questions?’ He says, ‘What’s the second question?’”
- Henny Youngman

73. “I went to a returant the other day called ‘Taste of the Raj.’ The waiter hit me with a stick and got me to build a complicated railway system.”
- Harry Hill

74.  “Say what you want about the deaf…”
- Jimmy Carr

75. “I asked my date what she wanted to drink. She said, ‘Oh, I guess I’ll have Champagne.’ I said, ‘Guess again.’”
- Slappy White

Short Jokes: 76 – 101

Emo Philips - One-Liner-MerchantSteven Wright - One-Liner GreatnessEddie Izzard BitComedy Comedy God and Rainbow Lover

76.  Two lions are walking down the aisle of a supermarket. One turns to the other and says. ‘Quiet in here today, isn’t it’
- Unknown

77. “I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down.’”
- Bob Newhart

78.  Jesus is on Twitter. Mind you he’s only got the 12 followers.
- Unknown

79.  What cheese would you use for hiding a pony?  Mascarpone.
- Unknown

80.  Recent research has shown that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t happy.
- Unknown

81. A man went into a chemist’s shop and said ‘Have you got anything for laryngitis?’. And the chemist said ‘Good morning sir. What can I do for you?’
- Unknown

82.  I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
- Unknown

83. A friend said to me: “I can never do the Welsh accent properly. Every time I try it, it sounds like Pakistani”. I said: ”You’ll just have to try harder, Tariq”.
- Unknown

84. An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
- Unknown

85. “I took the wife’s family out for tea biscuits. They weren’t too happy about having to give blood though.”
- Les Dawson

86. “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
- Tim Vine

87. “A unicorn and a Cyclops. That’s an accident waiting to happen.
- Rohan Agalawatta

88.  “I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels.”
- Milton Jones

89. “I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman’s voice said, ‘What the hell are you doing with your life?’”
- Demetri Martin

90. “I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad. I take something for it.”
- Ken Dodd

91. “People often say to me. ‘What are you doing in my garden?’”
- Michael Redmond

92.  “What do you get the man who has everything? Might I suggest a gravestone inscribed with the words: so what?”
- Simon Munnery

93. “These are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.”
- Groucho Marks

94. “If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?”
- Billy Connolly

95. A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre – so the barman gave her one.
- Unknown

96. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ‘Is this some kind of joke?’
- Unknown

97. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
- Unknown

98. “They say cheese gives you nightmares. Ridiculous! I’m not scared of cheese.”
- Ross Noble

99. “My grandfather started walking five miles a day when he was sixty. Now he’s eighty-five and we don’t know where he is.”
- Ellen DeGeneres

100. Tragically I was an only twin.
- Peter Cook

101. “Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
- Steven Wright (10 Steven Wright one-liners)

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