Classic One Liners
Here’s our collection of 25 cracking one-liners from the likes of Russell Howard and Milton Jones to some classics from Woody Allen and Mark Twain.
A classic one-liner joke is a matter of taste. We all like the complete gag in short. That’s what Bit Comedy is about. So enjoy and if you have a great one liner or an idea for a collection of one-liner material let us know.
25 Classic One-Liner Jokes
1. I may be middle-class, but I’m hard. Al dente, you might say.
- Jimmy Carr
2. A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
- Robert Benchley
3. The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
- Jeremy Limb
4. Eighty-two point six per cent of statistics are made up on the spot.
- Vic Reeves
5. If you’re being chased by a police dog; try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.
- Milton Jones
6. There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who cannot.
7. Why is the winner of the Miss Universe contest always from earth?
– Rich Hall
8. Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr
9. One day my father took me aside and left me there.
- Jackie Vernon
10. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
- Emo Philips
11. If you look like your passport photo, you’re too ill to travel.
- Will Kommen
12. It was so cold I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
- Henry Youngman
13. It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
- Steven Wright
14. There are various ways to give up smoking – nicotine patches, nicotine gum. My auntie used to pour a gallon of petrol over herself every morning.
– Paul Merton
15. I don’t do drugs. If I want a rush I get out of the chair when I’m not expecting it.
- Dylan Moran
16. She was the flabbiest stripper I’ve ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause.
- Les Dawson
17. I don’t believe in astrology. I’m a Sagittarian, and we’re sceptical.
- Arthur C. Clark
18. First the doctor told me the good news – I was going to have a disease named after me.
- Steve Martin
19. I don’t like all this fresh air. I’m from Los Angeles. I don’t trust any air I can’t see.
- Bob Hope
20. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problems?’
- Emo Philips
21. I believe our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.
- Mark Twain
22. I’m in therapy at the moment. I don’t need it, obviously, but I got all these psychiatrist gift vouchers for Christmas which my family clubbed together for. What I wanted was a crossbow.
- Sean Lock
23. I base most of my fashion sense on what doesn’t itch.
- Gilda Radner
24. Dad can you get my coat? “Erm no son that is in the cupboard and that is where the goblins live.”
- Russell Howard
25. My parents put a live teddy bear in my crib.
- Woody Allen
If you like these one liners, why not waste even more time with 101 short jokes.