Home » 25 Classic One Liners

25 Classic One Liners

This is a Classic One Liner

Classic One Liners

Here’s our collection of 25 cracking one-liners from the likes of Russell Howard and Milton Jones to some classics from Woody Allen and Mark Twain.

A classic one-liner joke is a matter of taste. We all like the complete gag in short. That’s what Bit Comedy is about. So enjoy and if you have a great one liner or an idea for a collection of one-liner material let us know.

25 Classic One-Liner Jokes

1.     I may be middle-class, but I’m hard. Al dente, you might say.
-  Jimmy Carr

2.     A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
- Robert Benchley

3.     The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
- Jeremy Limb

4.     Eighty-two point six per cent of statistics are made up on the spot.
- Vic Reeves

5.     If you’re being chased by a police dog; try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.
- Milton Jones

6.     There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who cannot.
- Unknown

7.     Why is the winner of the Miss Universe contest always from earth?

Rich Hall

8.     Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr

9.     One day my father took me aside and left me there.
- Jackie Vernon

10. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
- Emo Philips

11. If you look like your passport photo, you’re too ill to travel.
- Will Kommen

12. It was so cold I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
- Henry Youngman

13. It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
- Steven Wright

14. There are various ways to give up smoking – nicotine patches, nicotine gum. My auntie used to pour a gallon of petrol over herself every morning.
Paul Merton

15.  I don’t do drugs. If I want a rush I get out of the chair when I’m not expecting it.
- Dylan Moran

16. She was the flabbiest stripper I’ve ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause.
- Les Dawson

17. I don’t believe in astrology. I’m a Sagittarian, and we’re sceptical.
- Arthur C. Clark

18. First the doctor told me the good news – I was going to have a disease named after me.
- Steve Martin

19. I don’t like all this fresh air. I’m from Los Angeles. I don’t trust any air I can’t see.
- Bob Hope

20. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problems?’
- Emo Philips

21. I believe our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.
- Mark Twain

22. I’m in therapy at the moment. I don’t need it, obviously, but I got all these psychiatrist gift vouchers for Christmas which my family clubbed together for. What I wanted was a crossbow.
- Sean Lock

23. I base most of my fashion sense on what doesn’t itch.
- Gilda Radner

24. Dad can you get my coat? “Erm no son that is in the cupboard and that is where the goblins live.”
- Russell Howard

25. My parents put a live teddy bear in my crib.
- Woody Allen

If you like these one liners, why not waste even more time with 101 short jokes.

Follow BitComedy on Twitter

 

Get more gags, laughs, jokes and silliness with Bit Comedy on Twitter